Reflections on the End and the Beginning

You know those people who seem to be on the right career path for them? The people who wanted to follow in their family member’s footsteps from the time they were kids? The people who found their calling, embarked on their career, and go on to live the rest of their life doing what they love? 

That’s not me.

If you asked me at different times in my life what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d be able to tell you. 

If you asked me now how I got to where I am today, I have a stock answer.

The story I’ve always told has been crafted. In it, my decisions are intentional and linear. But it is oversimplified.

What did you want to be when you grew up? 

From the time we’re children, we are asked to think about our futures and to plan for the rest of our lives. The questions continue as we age.

• What do you want to be when you grow up?
• Are you going to college?
• What will be your major?
• What are you going to do with a degree in…?

Planning for a career begins the moment we realize our interests as children.

When I was a kid, I could spend hours daydreaming – and, I often did. But you can’t build a future on imagination – I suppose, unless you’re Willy Wonka. What I could do was share the things that happen in my daydreams through writing.

The first time I can recall writing a story and sharing it was for an assignment in science class about the solar system. I don’t remember what the assignment was originally, but I wrote a story about the planet Venus. My main character was on an expedition to Venus. Beneath the ‘supposedly’ toxic atmosphere, on the surface of the planet she discovered a lost civilization. She roamed around an abandoned castle, discovered a photo of someone that looked eerily like her and…that’s all I remember.

If it sounds inspired by the plot of Sailor Moon, that’s because it was. And, if you couldn’t guess, Sailor Venus was my favorite Sailor Scout.

I don’t recall the feedback I received in detail, but I remember my teacher was impressed by my storytelling. Since then, I continued to dabble in writing pieces of fiction. I still do. I rarely share them. I didn’t think I could ‘make it’ as a writer. So, I embarked on a long, winding path of other options for ‘What should I do with my life?’

My long and winding career path that led…back to the beginning

In college, I enrolled as an English major and considered teaching high school. As much as I loved to read and write, I felt stifled in my literature classes and soon switched majors.

My interest in psychology came from my experiences with people close to me who had mental health conditions. Watching their struggles made me want to understand more about mental illness and why people behave in the ways that they do.

I thrived in my psychology courses. I participated in research. I took on a minor in philosophy (for fun). I completed my degree in just three short years.

When it came time to enter the workforce, though, I felt a disconnect between what I wanted to do and what I felt I could do. I thought I should go to graduate school for clinical psychology, so that I could “help people” – just like all the other psychology majors out there. I thought I could make it my purpose and that it could be my path. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you pursue a bachelor’s in psychology.

I didn’t go to graduate school right after college. Because of a family situation, I felt the need to stay closer to home. And, to attend graduate school in psychology means you have to be willing to move anywhere in the country to the one or two programs that might grant you admission.

I landed in health care to work with people who had mental illness. I never learned so much, so quickly as I did when I worked in the psychiatric hospital. Not just about mental health, but about people. The real difficulties that people face. The real powerlessness that comes with not being able to help everyone. And the realization that maybe I’m not suited for that work , because I really hate feeling powerless.

I decided to go to graduate school.

While I was still working, I enrolled in a local master’s program in psychology that was research focused to test the waters of graduate school. I didn’t want to make a mistake by jumping into a ‘new career’ halfheartedly. And, you need a strong research background to be admitted to most doctoral programs, anyway. I wanted to do meaningful work in a way that was not direct-care.

In my master’s program, I became interested in physical health and health research. This is not much of a switch. Physical health and mental health overlap and exist on the same spectrum of wellness! I researched how social relationships can help or hurt illness management people with chronic health conditions. 

My efforts paid off in my admittance to a PhD program. I got to read (about research), write (about research), and teach (about – you guessed it – research!). I prided myself in making my educational pursuits part of my identity. I couldn’t imagine being anything other than a professor.

But, reality is sometimes not as good as our imagination. There are many reasons why I’m no longer on that path and I will share them in later posts. But, what I struggled with was: if I wasn’t going to be a professor, what could I possibly do with my life?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

It’s a terrible question. Not only because I am (arguably) already a grown up, but because it assumes my path will lead to just one pursuit or career.

So I started asking better questions.

• What do I want to do in my next job?
• What skills do I have and – of those skills – which ones do I enjoy most?
• What else do I want out of life that is not just a career? 

I don’t have answers to all of these questions. I don’t know what I’m doing next. And, today, I’m okay with not knowing these things. 

What I do know is I love to write. So, that’s what I’m going to do here.

Welcome to my life, post doctorate.